


Unfortunate Circumstances

by cheezypoofzzz



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Incomplete, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Slow Burn, Tags May Change, to be continued?? maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheezypoofzzz/pseuds/cheezypoofzzz
Summary: The class is going on a field trip- maybe not so bright of an idea when you live in South Park. Things are going well, when the bus crashes and Kyle wakes up in the middle of nowhere with no idea where he is, or half of his classmates, for that matter. And to make things even better, of course it was his luck he'd get stuck in the group with the fatass.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	Unfortunate Circumstances

“God dude, thank fuck for field trips. I really can’t take much more homework when I’m already fucked up over finals coming up,” Stan slid down in his window seat on the bus next to Kyle, textbook now abandoned in his lap.   
  


He sighed.   
  


“I’m so gonna fail. I suck at remembering stuff, dude!”   
  


Kyle looked at his childhood super best friend, almost rolling his eyes. Stan freaked out about finals every year and was always pestering the fuck out of him to tutor him or something, only to get frustrated and complain. Then he wouldn’t focus on the problems at all, Kyle would get pissed off and suggest they take a break from studying if it was that bad, and they’d play Okama Gamesphere all night, regretting it when they realized they had a school day in the morning.   
  


“You’ll be fine, dude. You’re just psyching yourself out like you always do.”   
  


Stan did roll his eyes.  
  
“Says you, Mr. ‘I’ll get into Harvard with my perfect GPA’. Us normal people aren’t human dictionaries.”  
  


Truth was, Kyle was actually pretty concerned for Stan lately- he had a tendency to party and drink, especially when stressed- so a lot recently. Lots of drunken phone calls and texts from Stan or from classmates, both asking the redhead to bring the Marsh boy home because he was too shitfaced to get there safely himself. The only reason Stan was sober right now was probably because Kyle made sure of it. He’d invited him over for a sleepover under the guise of hanging out like when they were kids, which wasn’t too unusual. But in the end, the real reason was his worry.  
  
He battled with himself over whether he should confront him about it, settling that he was going to ask him right here and now. There was nowhere for Stan to escape to, after all. He gave the raven-haired teenager next to him a confrontational look.  
  


Kyle opened his mouth, ready to press him about it, but then-   
  


“Wait! The brake isn’t working! Shit! Turn, turn, TURN!”  
  
The driver tried fruitlessly to brake, to turn the bulky vehicle, anything. It just didn’t want to cooperate.  
  
It was then that Kyle realized they were heading straight into solid rock at an alarming speed- the bus driver had always gone above the legal limit for school buses, and now everyone was going to regret it.  
  
Sheer terror engulfed the whole class in those seconds before the metal bus slammed into the face of the cliff. The entire front of the bus crushed like an autumn leaf under a child’s foot, and combusted into a gas-fueled inferno.

* * *

  
Kyle woke with a start, gasping for breath, heaving in and out unevenly like even respirating was a difficult task. His body was too focused on the adrenaline coursing in his veins to cooperate properly with him right now.  
  
_A bad dream?_ _  
_  
Eventually, the Jewish boy’s breathing returned to normal. He sat up warily, observing his surroundings despite his racing pulse and his trembling limbs.

It didn’t take him long to spot Kenny leaned against a rock, Butters caught in a bush, Tweek sprawled out on the ground, and Cartman somehow miraculously curled up in a ball like a cat, sleeping and looking as peaceful as Cartman could possibly get. Kyle rolled his eyes. But where were the others? The redhead frowned at the group fate decided to lump him with- Tweek was loud and panicked at everything (Kyle made a mental note to wake him up last for that very reason), Butters was naive and had a tendency to stumble into danger because of it, and Cartman was, well- that’s self-explanatory. Kenny was the only one who had both a good survival instinct and wasn’t always annoying or starting shit, although he could be if he wanted to. And when he did it was especially so.

They… Wherever they were, it made no sense in relation to any of the places they  _ should  _ be. If that was a dream, he should either be at home sleeping or on the bus waking up from a nap, right? Kyle could feel a headache coming on already. He sighed, supposing it didn’t matter as much right now as finding the next town to call their parents or something.

This place couldn’t be anywhere near South Park though, unless they were in North Park perhaps- South Park had pretty much perpetual winter except in summer. North Park was almost the opposite of South Park, and was more normal, save for one thing: despite being in Colorado, it always felt like summer in North Park. Maybe they were somewhere near there? It was strangely hot, and Kyle was sweating his ass off already.

Kyle shrugged off his jacket and tied it around his waist, revealing the stupid light gray shirt with the Cows logo on the front from last Field Day at school (none of the high schoolers actually participated for the most part, but they still kept the shirt-signing tradition from elementary and middle school), the back covered in signatures and drawings from his classmates. His ears were pretty much suffocating under the thick material of his green ushanka, but he refused to take it off and fully reveal his awful mess of red curls if he didn’t have to.  
  
After that, he made his way over to Kenny, putting a hand on Kenny’s shoulder and shaking the parka-clad boy lightly.

“Kenny?”

No answer- not even a stir. Kyle’s mouth turned down slightly in concern, and he shook the unmoving boy a bit more forcefully.

“Kenny? C’mon dude, wake u-”

Kenny suddenly jolted and gasped one huge breath inward, like a corpse having its soul returned to its body. Kyle started, letting go of Kenny and pulling back.

“Jesus Christ!” Kyle yelled.

Kenny didn’t even look phased at whatever had just happened, instead snorting.

“Gee, what a lovely awakening. Thanks for that, Kyle. Besides, I thought you were Jewish, what are you doing screaming Jesus’ name?” Kenny’s voice was laced with amusement.

Kyle didn’t really have a reason for it, so he ignored it, instead opting to be angry considering he’d just thought his friend had ceased to be alive and then proceeded to have the shit scared out of him by said friend.

“Yeah well, I thought you were dead! You weren’t moving!”

Some of the amusement flitted from Kenny’s eyes, and it was like he’d just realized something. Kyle could swear the blonde’s expression became serious and somewhat contemplative for a second, but the redhead didn’t get to ponder it for long.

“God fucking damn Kahl, can’t a guy even get some sleep without your shrill-ass voice waking someone up? I swear to god, sometimes you sound so much like your bitch of a mo- wait, what the hell? Where is this?”

Kyle turned around to see Cartman getting up and brushing himself off, looking kind of disoriented. The fatass was probably still half-asleep.

“Cartman, shut the fuck up. I’m really not in the mood for your shit right now, because I don’t know where the hell we are either,” Kyle scowled.

Cartman looked up from his apparently now satisfactorily dirt-free jacket to huff at Kyle.

“Wow Kahl, no need to get your panties in a twist.”

“I’m not ‘getting my panties in a twist,’” the redhead spat. He was annoyed at the situation, his worsening headache, Kenny, and last but  _ certainly _ not least, Cartman.

“So you  _ are _ wearing panties? Kahl, I didn’t take you for  _ that _ kind of person. I would prefer you not inform me of your fetishes in the future. Nobody wants to be traumatized by that,  _ Kyel, _ ” Cartman feigned exaggerated shock and innocence, but anyone could see the smugness in his eyes.

Kyle saw red. Fucking “Kyel” was only the icing on top of the cake, and the fatass knew it.

“ _ Go eat  _ **_shit,_ ** _ Cartman!”  _

Kenny was restraining him now, and he fought against the blonde’s grip.

“We’re in the fucking woods in god-knows-the-fuck where, our parents have no clue, and we’ll be lucky if there’s even a goddamn city closeby! And that’s if we even go in the right direction. We could be stuck in this sweaty fucking shithole, and you can’t even bring yourself to take  _ one  _ fucking thing seriously?”

Eric was heavily amused at how easily he’d gotten under Kyle’s skin, and would have only further pissed the jew off if Kenny hadn’t intervened. The brunette opened his mouth to say something, but the only conscious blond interrupted.

“ **_Both of you shut up_ ** ,” Kenny projected, causing Kyle to pause his struggling and Cartman to stop talking, both taken aback.

_ “ _ You’re  _ both _ acting fucking ridiculous,” Kenny began calmly. “Kyle, you say that we have more important things to worry about, and you’re right- but don’t you think you should be focusing on that instead of wasting time arguing with Cartman? You should know responding to him is only going to encourage him, and it takes two to fight anyway. Be more goddamn mature like you’re always going on about telling Cartman and Ike to be, and  _ walk away _ . And Cartman, Kyle’s right. I could care less if you argued over world peace or a fucking rock, but save your arguing for when we at least find shelter or some shit, or else we’ll never get anything done. Now if you would be smart at something that isn’t some stupidly convoluted scheme for once, you’ll  _ actually listen _ , but I doubt it.”

Kyle and Cartman were both surprised- Kenny was almost never this serious. It reminded Kyle of how strangely grave the blonde had acted as Mysterion back when they were kids- it’d always been honestly kind of concerning. Kyle realized then that Kenny must have felt it was really important for some reason then, and that his words held some truth to them. He frowned, feeling suddenly remorseful.

“... You can let go,” Kyle told Kenny, and he did.

Cartman on the other hand, didn’t look apologetic in the slightest, but apparently it had prompted the brunette to ponder something deeply.

Either way, Kyle sighed, supposing that he shouldn’t waste any more time.

“Well, we should probably wake the others up if we want to get moving, or at least figure out what we’re gonna do about this shit. I’d like to get to civilization of some sort ASAP so maybe I can get some fucking headache medicine.”

“I’ll wake up Butters!” Kenny proclaimed quickly, and before anyone had a chance to argue, Cartman and Kyle were stuck waking up Tweek.

“Don’t look at me, I’m not getting my balls kicked in by spaz trying to wake him up,” stated Cartman, putting his hands up in defense.

_ Helpful as always, of course,  _ Kyle rolled his eyes.

“If anything, that proves that you have no balls to get kicked in in the first place, you pussy.”

Cartman scoffed.

“Or maybe I just have a sense of self-preservation. Why don’t you try waking him up and see what I’m talking about when you get a nasty-ass black eye for a week like I did, Kahl?”

“Cartman, you were trying to put something down his shirt and he thought you were trying to put a tracking device on him. That’s a little bit different, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, whatever, tomato potato, just wake him up, asshole.”

“... It’s tomato tomato or potato pota-- ugh, you know what? Nevermind.”

Kyle eyed Tweek, still splayed about on the mostly barren earth. It’d probably still be best to be a little cautious, so he picked up a branch lying on the ground- better if it gets broken than anything else. He supposed to an extent he could agree with fatass on this one- you’d have to be stupid or just plain ignorant to just walk up to Tweek and touch him when he’s sleeping. That kid had probably the quickest fight or flight response he’d ever seen, and more often than not picked the former when surprised. Teaching this asshole how to box was a mistake.

“Hurry up and do it, if I’m such a pussy. God Kahl, a branch? Seriously?”

“Shut the fuck up, you wouldn’t do it at all,” Kyle groaned, and held the stick the closest to his end as he possibly could.

He inched it closer to Tweek’s body ragdolled on the ground. Slowly and surely was definitely the way to go here, if he just jammed it into him or something, it was sure to result in violence from Tweek. Eventually it was mere centimeters away, and then-

“GAaAaAAAAAaAaAAaAAAaAhHH!”

And a snapping noise ensued, causing both other boys to noticeably wince.

“Twee-”

“WHATTHEFUCKIKNEWFUCKINGALIENSWEREGOINTOABDUCTMEANDTHENPROBEMEANDTHENKILLMEYOUALLLIEDTOME-”

**“Tweek-”**

“ISHOULD”VEPREPAREDFORTHISBUTNOOOOOO. ‘TWEEK, YOU’RE OVERREACTING,’ ‘TWEEK, ALIENS AREN’T REAL’ YEAH WELL NOW I’M GONNA GET FUCKING BUTTPROBED BY AN ALIEN OH GO--”

**_“TWEEK, IT WAS A STICK.”_ **

Tweek made some sort of indiscernible noise in response, blinking and seemingly realizing his actual surroundings for the first time.

“O...Oh. Oh goddammit, now I have s-splinters in my hands!”

He tried to pick at spots on his hands that presumably had the splinters, but to no avail since he couldn’t keep his hands still enough.

“I… Fuck, I can’t take them out! Shit, this is gonna get infected!”

This only caused him to shake more, and he made a noise of frustration.

“I need my f-fucking coffee, I swear to god.”

“Yeah yeah, we know you need coffee like it’s fucking cocaine, ‘meh meh meh, I’m Tweek and I can’t function without it and my boyfriend Craig, boo-hoo.’”

Tweek had a major tic when Cartman brought up Craig, and defended himself sourly, “Craig and I haven’t been together since s-sixth grade, asshole.”

“Exactly, that’s why you can’t function.”

“Fuck you. Craig has nothing to do with how I function, so don’t even. And at least I accomplish what I can without m-manipulating or whining to people and do it on my own, you f-fat greedy bastard!”

Cartman opened his mouth to retort when Kenny showed up with Butters, who was naive and was always late to read the atmosphere if at all, as usual.

“Well hiya there, fellas! Gee, I guess I’m the last to wake up, huh? I sure hope I didn’t miss anything real excitin’!”

Everyone just looked at Butters silently.

“Uh, w-why’s everyone lookin’ at me funny? Oh, you guys weren’t fightin’ just now, were you?”

The blonde nervously dragged his knuckles across each other, hands in fists.

After a moment of silence, Kyle looked pointedly at Tweek and Cartman- the latter in particular.

“No, we  _ weren’t _ . You didn’t miss anything. In fact, I’d say now that everyone’s awake we should probably get going before something does happen.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Eric grumbled, beginning to walk in some random direction and prompting the others to follow.

“You better be glad I just want to get h-home, dickwad,” Tweek spat.

Apparently when he spoke, it brought Butters’ attention, and the turquoise-clad blonde gasped.

“Tweek, that looks like it must hurt an awful lot! Aren’t you gonna get those splinters out? That can get infected, and that’d be real bad!”

“Agh, y-yeah, I know! … I can’t get them out,” Tweek frowned, looking distant for a second, as if thinking about some aspect of himself deeply.

Butters looked at him concernedly, mirroring Tweek’s frown.

“I can get them out for you, but we might have to wait until we can sit down somewhere, a-an’ hopefully have some hydrogen peroxide…”

“Butters, stop being a fag and come on,” Cartman grouched.

And so they walked further into the woods, filled with dead trees and strange, almost sandy soil that had a reddish hue. The grass was there, but sparse. Honestly, it reminded Kyle of something out of Fallout 4. Did North Park look like this? Kyle was more and more unsure of their location the more clues he got, and it was frustrating.

God, Kyle would give just about anything to be at home in his room, where the air was nice and cool and air-conditioned and he could take some aspirin for this fucking headache.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was something old that I found when going through all of my old stuff that I could find. This fic is actually from 2018, when I was more invested in this show. I had a clear idea where this fic was going and everything, but I only ever wrote the first chapter. I wrote a decent amount for the first chapter alone, at least compared to how much I usually get done. So I figured I might as well not make that time wasted and that I should post it in case anyone would like it. Hell, if enough people wanted, maybe I'll even continue it, I missed writing these characters. Anyways, not all that much has really happened in this chapter, but I hope those of you who read it had as much fun reading it as I had fun writing it, back in the day!


End file.
